• Good Girl [she/they]English
    13•9 months ago

    My god so often.

    • That time I was obsessed with/cluelessly envious of Kim Petras for like a week in 2009.
    • Wishing that I could grow up in a fem cybernetic body the way Motoko did in Ghost in the Shell.
    • “Boy clothes are so boring, girls are so lucky they get to wear all these cool things”
    • That weird empty/jealous feeling I got when looking at pretty girls and even artistic renditions of women. One time this feeling was so bad I typed some rant describing this into my friend group’s “art” channel in discord. Nobody responded thankfully but I’m sure they had questions.
    • Never being comfortable with being referred to by my full name but being alright with the shortened version/nickname that is much more gender neutral.
    • Unexplained platonic attraction to trans women and gnc people (I guess this one’s not so much dysphoria as it is just a possible sign)
    • Hating the idea of my voice deepening, and feeling kinda weird when I got mistaken for my dad over the phone. I think I subconsciously altered my voice over the years because my voice comes out very breathy now despite being somewhat deep. (Could also be social anxiety, still figuring this one out)
    • Crying Bawling the year I got a gift box of Old Spice cologne and deodorant for Christmas.
    • Feeling uncomfortable with picking male characters in games that give you the option. Like actual physical and emotional discomfort.
    • Wearing a hoodie every day all day during middle school and high school even in the California summers.
    • An inability to refer to myself as a man, and being uncomfortable having to refer to myself as a boy. I would almost always just say guy because it felt less loaded. Even typing this out gave me pause.
    • Depression beard
    • That time a friend called me our mutal friend’s waifu and our mutual friend played along which gave me (unbeknownst to me at the time) gender euphoria
    • In the same vein, after I married a good friend in final fantasy xiv, he (jokingly? idk it was a little sus) asked me to call him darling and I leaned into it HARD. I thought this was my bisexual awakening but thinking about it now, knowing I’m trans, I think I just wanted to be seen as a woman in the context of a relationship. (and in general as well obviously) This gives me a lot to think about. Thanks OP.

    Probably more I can’t think of at the moment.

    All of this and I still have doubts and imposter syndrome. Sometimes I want to grab myself by the shoulders and scream.

    • Tywèle [she|her]English
      5•9 months ago

      Wishing to have a fem cybernetic body from Ghost in the Shell! I did that too. I was so envious of Motoko.

    • oNeviaOPMEnglish
      3•9 months ago

      This would be a great list to look back on when your feeling that imposter syndrome creep in ;)

      I have a similar list that I keep in my purse ❤️

    • KeriKitty (They(/It))English
      6•9 months ago

      An inability to refer to myself as a man, and being uncomfortable having to refer to myself as a boy.

      This one in particular is so familiar :O I was so baffled, like… “is it an age thing? Do I have to do something that’ll make me feel like a man? Maybe it’s a peer recognition thing? Aaahhh why don’t I feel like I’ll ever be a real man?!” … Tee hee turns out there’s a simple explanation 😅

      That time a friend called me our mutal friend’s waifu and our mutual friend played along which gave me (unbeknownst to me at the time) gender euphoria

      Actually this one too. Getting “misgendered” and loving it should’ve been a big clue to me at the time 😅 Now it’s just one of those things I see as a big crack in my eggness :D Really helped me hatch, eventually.

      Also that’s a nice name you’ve got there, Good Girl ;3

    • @A_Very_Big_Fan@lemmy.worldEnglish
      8•9 months ago

      All of this and I still have doubts and imposter syndrome

      Same. Idk how to get over it but when I do I’ll let you know ;p

      I’m glad lots of people here have similar experiences as me, though. That helps. The relentless hoodie-wearing, discomfort picking male characters in games, gender euphoria from small gender affirming things…

      • Good Girl [she/they]English
        3•9 months ago

        I’m glad lots of people here have similar experiences as me, though. That helps. The relentless hoodie-wearing, discomfort picking male characters in games, gender euphoria from small gender affirming things…

        Honestly yeah, this helps a ton. Shared experiences put me at ease.