Lots, but the biggest for me was how I could never feel comfortable with the type of man I would become. I knew I didn’t want to be like some of the unkind men I knew, but I also hated the idea of growing up into even the kindest and most fun men in my life.
I spent so many years trying to figure out how to do manhood, always feeling like it was wrong. Sure, I wanted to be a woman. Sure I wished I could live and present as myself, but that’s not manly. (Lived like this for years without being able to acknowledge I was trans btw, crazy looking back)
Finally accepting that I could be who I wanted to be is so freeing, and makes me see the years of dysphoria for what they were.
I really feel that. Especially about never being comfortable with the type of man I would become.
This became even more difficult when I became a “father”
“Fuck, I don’t even know how to be a man and now I have to figure out how to be a dad?!”
But having my son and realizing I viewed myself internally as a mother and not father, I quickly ran down the rabbit hole that ended up being my eggwakening
