The moment my egg cracked was when I felt my child kick in my partner’s belly. I realized that all the jokes I made about wanting to seahorse a pregnancy was just making light of that being a deep desire of mine.

After that a number of things just started to click that I was not someone that fell into a gender binary: -Feelings of euphoria when I got when wait staff would call me miss/mam. -How I would buy clothing I thought was unisex sized, but I would end up walking away with women’s cloths that did not fit my normal size. -Being happy when my group of friends called me the den mother of the group. -Realizing that I felt the most in common with relatives that broke gender norms. My mom who wore men’s shirts/pants her whole life, only wore a dress for a funeral or wedding, and was the bread winner of my family. An aunt who was a kick ass drummer. A friend that was exploring her gender, and just doing her best to see where things landed. -Thinking that it was interesting that women that presented with ‘masculine’ behaviors were so wonderful, and that there was an absence of men displaying ‘feminine’ behaviors when I was going through my rural home town. -Having thoughts about how I wished I was born a woman, but that I would want to grow my body hair and that I’d hope I could be as tall as I am now. -That most people probably don’t look into the mirror and think that something doesn’t look quite right or that some of the features that they saw would be beautiful on the opposite sex.

Ultimately I’m happy with how I present, and I’m not sure if I’ll ever go the route of HRT. It isn’t off the table, but I’m not sure if it is going to be a part of my journey.

That said if there was a realistic option for me to become a birthing parent I would pursue that doggedly. I also know that when we try for our second kid that I am expecting to have to go through another long and hard period of dysphoria. It’ll be worth it, but I need to remember to be kinder and more patient with myself.