It doesn’t just have to be “oh I’m a man/woman/enby.” What qualities do you have or want to obtain as your gender? How do you express yourself? What does your gender feel like?
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I don’t know! And with every day passing since I really looked into myself it weighs heavier and heavier on mind. I first settled on enby almost a year ago. A couple of weeks ago I had some key memories pop up/some revelations about myself which convinced me that I am, in fact, transfemme. This gave me so much euphoria bit now… my brain “snapped back”?? I don’t understand it. The being sure is gone and along with it, the euphoria. It’s all so muddy. I only know that my inner self and my body don’t match. Goddammit I am in my 30s, shouldn’t I at least know who I am?
Oooo, that sounds familiar. Sometimes I wonder if I’m some kinda fancy-funky metagenderfluid 😅 Like, swishing around between agender, genderfluid, fem, femby, and who even knows what else 😵💫 Latelish my best results are from just letting go and letting me happen 🤔 Or, well, letting something happen. Maybe it’s me 😅 Anyway, there’s a ton of outside crap to struggle with before self can really make itself known and sometimes lots of experiences are needed to knock loose the ones that burrowed in <.< Or just to give perspective for understanding selfness! … Yeah Idunno where I’m going (in general, but also specifically with this comment 😹) so I’ll stop yapping. Eventually >:P
Also, thirties cluuubbb! 🥳 Maybe when we’re forty we’ll have figured something out 😅
Transfemme enby here, I can empathize!
I figured myself out around 10 or 11 years old, but growing up in Texas in the 90’s never made being myself feel like an option. So I lied to myself that it was just a fantasy, especially after I was outed as gay to my parents at 16. It was just easier to let people think I was a queer guy, and I’ll still let people make that assumption even after starting hormone therapy in my late 30’s.
Fortunately my gender is fluid enough to tolerate a masc presentation most of the time, but that variability was a pain to manage. I’d be more or less fine for weeks, then I’d wake up to find myself depressed in such a way that could only be resolved by painting my nails and wearing a pair of breastforms.
You just need to be true to yourself, which may involve some interior cartography if your true self isn’t just one thing. Take all the time you need to meditate on it, make a mental chart of how your gender shifts overtime and start looking for patterns. Your gender might be cyclical, regularly shifting along a well-trodden course, or it might be dynamic, changing in response to stimuli.
Your gender might be cyclical, regularly shifting along a well-trodden course, or it might be dynamic, changing in response to stimuli.
I have never heard of that! Sounds like I have some reading to do. Thank you! May I ask how old you are now and what kind of hormones you are taking? “Just” estrogen or test blockers as well? Only if you are comfortable sharing ofc <3 could also share via dm if you prefer
Just vented to a good friend of mine (one of 2 people that know about my thoughts) and just getting it all out was helpful as well.
No worries! I’m quite familiar with how just talking about it to someone who understands can ease the burden of dysphoria and I’m happy to share!
This actually came up in another thread yesterday: https://pawb.social/comment/7129720 but I’ll repeat the details here for ya~
I’m in my late 30’s now, and started hormone therapy about 7.5 months ago. I’m on 2mg sublingual Estradiol, 5mg Finasteride, and started 100mg Progesterone at 3 months, no anti-androgen.
As of my last testing, both E and T levels are on the low side of normal for the female and male ranges respectively.
