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Maybe it’s the system that’s broken not the individuals.
I was undiagnosed for a long time, and my progress reports always came back with “work is erratic”… How did that not send up flags?
People get uncomfortable when I call myself stupid, because they see me at moments when I can fully access my brain and keep it organized, and think that I’m able to access that state most of the time. Hell no, I work best when my brain is turned off 90% of the time hence why the majority of the time I am ACTUALLY STUPID. Still not sure if its my ADHD, my Autism, or my mental health and anxiety why I function best with my brain turned off
It’s awful. It builds on the sick idea programmed into us that your productivity defines your worth as a human being.
I don’t know. If I were more productive at making cookies, I would be happier because I could eat more cookies.
Being productive in things you care about is a necessary part of self care and can enhance your happiness for sure.
But that’s different than basing the value of actual people (including yourself) on productivity.
I hate this. And I hate the constant message from everything and everyone that we need to be constantly growing, learning, improving. It just makes you feel like you’re never good enough, and when you get to good enough, there’ll be a new level of good enough you haven’t reached yet.
Can’t I just enjoy who I currently am??!
Exactly. And part of that is that just because you have the skills/knowledge/intelligence to achieve something doesn’t mean you have to in order to be a good person or a success or whatever.
But some people find satisfaction and fulfillment that way, so going for it isn’t bad either. We all have different ideal states of being.
I’m constantly surprised that a swath of the populous thinks that everyone else thinks the same things they do, has the same motives they do, etc. People are largely aware that there are introverts and extroverts, along with different learning styles, but that’s where most people seem to stop. It extends well beyond that. People are all over the spectrum on anxiety, curiosity, desire to learn new things, where they prefer to position themselves in group settings, ability to understand where others are coming from, etc. Often when people with differences in the above meet, they fail to empathize with each other and are befuddled by that the other person doesn’t think and act the way they do. We to sort ourselves into similar social groups, but it’s especially amusing to watch this play out in a work environment.
Yeah I got potential. I put in a lot of effort to reach that potential.
Did the effort pay off? No.
Did it look like I didn’t do anything? Yes.
When I asked for help I was told “just do it.” So I kept trying really hard but still the results were far less than the effort put in. For some reason I burnt the hell out overextending myself to get stuff done.
I feel like the task is moving water from a pond to a large basin. Everyone else got buckets and I got a ladle.
This was my life. I managed to get a masters degree and loved the process but everything else in life has been a constant struggle just to do basic things.
“Just do it”
Well, I’m trying, but my brain decided I should spend the next 3 hours doomscrolling while I mentally kick myself for not doing the thing already.
I think with adulthood there’s been more things I can “just do”, but the smaller things usually get procrastinated to hell and back for no reason besides “my brain didn’t want to do it”.
Same with potential, whatever greatness I was promised by everyone who said that hasn’t happened yet.
I swear I almost wish I had ADHD. At least then I could say it’s not 100% my fault for being an absolute worthless failure. “Unfortunately” that’s all on me.
worthless failure can be part of the diagnostic criteria. (not really but somewhat) you may still want to talk with a professional. you have likely developed coping strategies.
Everyone is born with their own standard human brain. Just because we have named some groupings of behaviors and thought patterns, and can sometimes even point to specific causes and structural or molecular differences… it doesn’t mean anyone has an “excuse,” just an explanation.
People with ADHD, heck even people with TBIs, are still 100% at fault, because it’s their own brain. The good news for you, is that you have more opportunity to feel fulfilled than they ever will.
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I think responsibility is a much better word than fault. Not everyone will be able to deal with their challenges, but what I really meant was, this is your brain and no one else’s.
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The difference between fault and responsibilty is definitely something I plan to teach my kids from an early age.
If someone rear ends me when I’m driving safely and following all the rules of the road, it’s not my fault. But it’s still my responsibility to get insurance information, arrange for car repair and transportation, reschedule appointments, etc. I don’t get to just walk away and hope everything takes care of itself.
It’s just one of those unfortunate facts of life. Everyone has to handle things that aren’t their fault sometimes.
Stuff like this hits you harder than a gut punch
the words “you so much potential” have done incredibly damage to my confidence. I’m trying so hard to unlearn it but no matter what I do I feel like a failure because I have sO mUcH pOtEnTiAl
My mother was the god of the drive-by shaming where she would complain about my potential and then walk away without offering any sort of help.
So many were back then. Swaths of them also were informed that there’s a good chance we had these conditions, but then handwaved them away because they got by just fine. Plus those damn doctors are over medicating everyone just trying to make a quick buck!
Don’t forget all the friends of friends saying their once boisterous and weird brother suddenly turned into a zombie… By not being constantly disruptive, able to focus, and were quiet for a bit lmfao.
At work, we call that seagulling… they swoop in, shit all over everything, and then fly away.
“I know he deserves a B but he could get an A if he tried harder so I’ll give him a C to motivate him”
Yeah, I had a few teachers adopting that reasoning. While kids who knew less than I did but were perceived to try harder were given better grades. Surprised pikachu when I started to barely do enough for a D.
this thing happened to me too. infuriating
“I’ll motivate this child to spend the system, to bring about the vast changes this world needs. It all begins with giving him this D, historians will look back on this moment and praise my foresight” -Frau Bauer (probably)
Holy shit that makes my blood boil! If I earned a B you fucking give me a B, marks are not arbitrary and based on your feelings.
We had a teacher like this for my youngest son. Her marking of his work was consistently two letter grades below every other mark he got in all of his subjects. Got the school board involved after having a few other teachers independently grade the same paper she gave him a C on. She is no longer involved in any of his studies.
It’ll make your head explode to find out that giving someone a B+ in that situation is more likely to lead to an A the next… positive encouragement leads to positive feeling about the task. It’s bullshit to think some kid is gonna think “oh I did bad I’m gonna do more of this to get better.”. it’s really easy to see how “oh I got this, I’m going to do more of it”
(This works for subjective learning only. Things that require mastery like mathematics needs a different system)
I guess I am the outlier here. In college I half assed a paper, figured I’d take the B so I could just be done. Prof gave me a C and told me he knew I was smarter than that and knew I could do better. I appreciated that he knew I was better than that, and didn’t write my next paper buzzed. With that professors encouragement I ended up changing to a harder major overall
Humans are complex beasts… what might work with one person might not work the next day if they had a bad sleep or were a bit distracted… brains…
I’ve always had bad grades, so for that one test my mom studied very hard with me. After grades were given back, my teacher came up to me and literally said that the performance was worthy of a 2 (B) but she’s given me a 4 (D) again, to motivate me.
Needless to say, motivation was not achieved.
Furthermore, it’s one of the core experiences that led me to mentally check out of the school system eventually and still fuels my distrust of authorities and institutions to this day, almost 20 years later. Well done Frau Bauer.
It was grade 4, the night before I had committed to memory the spelling and order of 20 words the teacher told us would be in a test. When the test started I wrote it out perfectly. She accused me of cheating in front of the class. I rewrote the entire list in front of her to prove my innocence. Afterwards I became less motivated.
That’s insane! Why wouldn’t she have given you an A to motivate you / reward you for the hard work!?
I don’t want to be too “we live in a society” but I noticed that - since I’m a man / was a boy - people in care giving roles usually assumed I want to prove myself. Because All Boys™ want to prove themselves all of the time. So it’s good to be as adversarial as possible, actually. To grow their character.
Regarding her generation and type of character, I wouldn’t be too surprised to learn that she thought she was actually doing me a favor. Also she co-taught our class with another teacher who quite openly disliked boys in general and me in particular. Which was probably also a factor.
Yeah…she didn’t tell you what she was motivating you for…
Well to be fair, if she and others hadn’t shown me how ridiculous this kind of hierarchical thinking is, I wouldn’t have been angry enough to quit all the jobs and relationships I didn’t feel appreciated at. So I kinda wouldn’t be who I am without it. But I still wish I didn’t have to be who I am to get by.
Is that because you started doing drugs as a way to escape all of the pressure of having such high potential and low achievement? Asking for a friend…
Of course not! I wasn’t doing drugs, who do you take me for! I only started doing drugs long after everybody was already convinced I was using.
Holy crap, that cuts deep.
Wow you’ve brought back unhappy memories ‘a for achievement, d for effort’ and ‘you got everything right but poor presentation, c’
Worst was when I’d to a test and get all the answers right and they’d question how I did so well, bitch because you can’t take marks away for no reason on a multiple choice. Actual worst was that this was 1990 and they wouldn’t let me do my homework typed ‘when you get a job your boss is going to need things hand written’ fucking what lol
Oh that can still happen if you’re diagnosed early on, trust me.
Fuck.
Same.
I see it in my kid too.
How can I stop the cycle but still help.
Words suck. What are some good words for me but also my youngin
I think arming yourself with information about ADHD is your best bet to break any cycles related. Get diagnosed, get them diagnosed, seek counseling if it’s feasible. There are a ton of coping skills that can help, but they have to be learned, and counseling will help in that tremendously. If that’s not available, there’s a ton of resources online.
It’s also important to know that ADHD isn’t necessarily something wrong with you, it’s an adaptation. People with ADHD tend to be incredibly well performing when they’re in the right environments, which is the kind of thing that can be learned through counseling or research.
Search for “adhd coping skills” and try them all until you find what works for each of you.
Since what works is different for everyone so you will both need to develop coping skills independently.
But also keep in mind that many techniques won’t work for you and you need to be persistent and that doesn’t come naturally with ADHD so I suggest aiming for whatever technique will help you achieve that first.
Its also crucial, when trying to teach these methods to a child, that you frame them as multiple options that can and will fail to help, and that the failure is of the method not the child.
These techniques are akin to shoes. You go to the store to try on a bunch of different styles to see what fits, whats comfy, what looks good, and what you ultimately want to wear outdoors. You dont fail to fit a pair of shoes. They just arent your size.
Trying a bunch of coping mechanisms and skills that dont work will feel like failure if framed incorrectly, and make it harder to try the next one. Kids dont always know how to change their frame of mind around these things, so its key to help make sure they dont think of it as another test to pass or fail.
I’ve started saying out loud around my child, “Doing it this way isn’t working very well for my brain. I need to try other ways until I find what works for me.”
I needed to hear that so badly as a child (heck I need to hear it as an adult!) And I’ve noticed my child is less hard on herself since I’ve started doing this.
I still feel this as an adult, I want to be a successful artist and have finished college, signed up for my doctor’s appointments, but I just keep gravitating towards the easy dopamine inducing mindless activities
I am very hesitant about this current “I have ADHD” trend I’m seeing on the Internet, but fuck every thing I see like this makes me feel like I do have it.
Anyone know Good, legitimate, safe resources for exploring if I have ADHD?
You go to a doc. They’ll usually give you a form to fill out and it’s really a self evaluation. Answer enough questions the “right way” and they’ll take a closer look.
For me, the confirmation of the condition was after taking the new rx for a few days. “Oh, THIS is what a quiet mind is!”
I took my first dose of Vyvanse at 46 and realized what silence actually sounds like. Then I took a nap. I no longer take medication because I realized that I mostly have developed healthy enough coping skills at 51 years to deal but I also recognize it’s a very sharp and useful tool to have in the toolbox when needed.
Echoing others, see a doc, specifically a psychiatrist. Mine sent me to a neuro-psychologist for evaluation. It was a bit brutal, taking several hours but, it got me officially diagnosed at 31 and enabled me to get treatment that was pretty life changing.
See a doctor. May not be the most helpful advice, but it helped me after 29 undiagnosed years.
Take some of the questionnaires from more legitimate ADHD resource sites. Where I scored highly likely to be ADHD, my partner did not at all.
That being said, you could also undergo psychiatric assessment with a psychiatrist, but it may be a little expensive. I would recommend it if you can, because medication and appropriate psychotherapy can greatly improve quality of life.
Yeah a psychiatrist doesn’t necessarily need to diagnose you. Any licensed therapist can do it, though not all will be as familiar with the assessment process. Find one who specializes in ADHD.
Hello, clinical MH counselor with ADHD here. This meme isn’t a good indicator of ADHD symptoms since it more broadly reflects the experience of being a “gifted child”. While many with ADHD fall into this category, it’s not a proper criterion or indicator of ADHD. Many without ADHD struggled with “gifted kid syndrome” too, after all.
If you’d like an ADHD self-assessment, you can check out the ASRS-v1.1. It is NOT a diagnosis ; it only indicates that follow up is warranted. Many symptoms can overlap with things like Anxiety disorders or Autism Spectrum Disorders, etc. You need a clinician to perform a proper ddx for that. But it should be a good starting point.
Thank you for this response. I’m already diagnosed bpd, bi polar, and depression so something more technical is a better response than the go see a doctor responses that I got. Well intentioned as they might be, I already know that is a step to take. If I had money I would.
I’ll look this up when I have moment is there a good place to take it online?
oh if you just search for ASRS v1.1 you’ll find a pdf. it’s one page. it’s adapted from the ASRS-6 which is only six questions. it has expanded questions to shed more light on which characteristics present more strongly. actually only the first six are still technically the diagnostic ones, so some might say to not even bother with the supplemental extra questions if the top six dont present strongly.
with three diagnoses on the table already, you might not get a reliable result from this since some symptoms might overlap. one of the DSM criteria for most disorders is “… and isn’t attributable to another mental disorder or substance use.”
if i had a patient with bpd, bipolar, depression, and adhd: id want to be focused on working on emotional regulation, acceptance and self-esteem. those would help adhd anyway, but addressing it directly would be hard. thats also partially because bpd responds so well to therapy and adhd responds so well to medication/holistic healing.
okay thank you. I learned a lot from my cpl years spent in therapy, so i have developed tools for emotional regulation and awareness has done a ton for me. I learned so much about myself. I am in a much much better place now than I ever have been since graduating high school.
Good to know about the overlap, i figured as much since bi polar and bpd go together. I think one of the reasons i am so interested in ADHD at 33 years old is because I can finally devote some mental resources to learning about myself as i gain self acceptance. its let me tune in to some things about myself and observe myself and actually internalize it instead of being so low self esteem that i just kinda distance myself from me.
i hope that my success with medicinal treatments in the BPD and Bi polar realm is a sign that adhd treatments would work well too.
yeah! and i should add that part of the treatment for BPD is self-exploration and self-discovery. i support this!
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As graduation was looming, I was standing in the hallway shooting the bull with one of my favorite teachers when he dropped this bomb on me:
AtmaJnana, you’ve got a lot of potential.
You know what potential means?
…
It means you ain’t done shit.
