It took me a long time to be comfortable with it. I had mad imposter syndrome, feeling like I didn’t “deserve” to be called it somehow. Plus I’d panic a little if someone used it in public because I was afraid of negative attention.

I’m more secure in my identity now, and its to the point now that if someone does call me my deadname (usually its some medical person of fucking course) it takes me a little to even register they’re addressing me. It does get better and you’re not alone in your experience 🩷

And yet, my brain still slaps me with that sweet sweet imposter syndrome like “how can you be trans if what you want is making you uncomfortable” and so on.

You have spent literally your entire life, drowned in anti trans messaging. And somehow, here you are, telling the world who you are anyway. That’s not the experience of an imposter. That’s the experience of a trans person trying to deal with a lifetime of negative indoctrination. Even when we recognise it for what it is, it still impacts us, because that’s how indoctrination works.

It’s going to take time to work through all of this, and undo some of that damage. Give yourself permission to work through it. It might be two steps forward, one step back, but you’ll get there :)

So. How long did it take you? Did it just click for you or was it just as uncomfortable as it is for me?

One day, you’ll realise that you haven’t thought about it for days. Thats when you’ll know it’s clicked :)

What you described seems pretty normal. It actually took me a few months before I was fully comfortable with being called my new name. I also had to use it online for a while before I was willing to try being called it in person.

I felt the same with my preferred name, but I like it. When someone uses it for the first time, I feel the initial embarrassment. It’s that little voice with all the nasty questions that want to invalidate and feel guilty about the euphoria it brings. But hey, I got quite the high when somebody complimented the name I chose. After a while, you get used to certain voices using the correct name and pronouns for you.

I think it took me around a month to get used to my new name and pronouns.

And like Ada said there will always be that little voice in the back of your head that tries to tell you that this isn’t right and that you should get back to how things were before. But it’s lying. Your mind is trying to protect itself from uncomfortable things.

Even now for me 3 months into HRT and 5 laser sessions later I sometimes get thoughts like: “There’s no turning back now. These are permanent changes now, is this really what you want?” And then I think about it for even a millisecond how happy I am now and the voice quiets down.

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Months. I’m still sometimes like “oh, weird, that’s my name”. Tbf I don’t hear it a lot because I don’t talk to people much.

Pronouns took awhile, but my name was instant. My name has been bouncing around inside my head for so long, it felt more right to hear it finally being said by others than my deadname ever did.