Madlaine
she/they, non-binary transfeminine individual based in Berlin
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- 40 Comments
Joined 2 years ago
Cake day: June 19th, 2023
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But yeah I’m ~235lbs/106kg guy, and I don’t like how I look most days in the mirror in a boring t-shirt and shorts, let alone trying to be desirable, so I’m kinda setting myself up mentally for disappointment. We shall see.
Sounds like me a year ago xD
Try find something that suits your figure; fem clothes can be quite good at camouflaging and distracting from problematic areas if one gets the right stuff.
And it drastically boosts self image when you found clothes you feel comfortable in, even if only in certain situations.
And my personal experience in case you don’t like your face (I didn’t, but I’ve got gender-related dysphoria in that regard): these femboy-cat-face-masks; wear them if you try out or take pictures in dresses. Allows you to focus on the clothes instead your face. After you found clothes you like with that mask on, you might take a look at some basic makeup. Nothing too fancy, but a bit of foundation, powder, minimalistic eyeshadow and mascara can do wonders.
But essentially: Try it! Do yourself a favor and try it! I wish I would have given in sooner instead of always thinking “nah, won’t suit me anyway and I will just look like a dude in a dress”. Wearing stuff like that played a huge part in realizing who I am.
(And it gave me a reason to loose some weight. 103kg->88kg since December)
And obviously: Should you find out in the end that fem clothes are just not your thing; that’s fine as well! But if the idea was already in your head: try it -
Just do it.
There are many large people that look beautiful. You have to search for the right clothes.
I assume from your comment that you’re maybe a bit chubby; that’s no shame. Many chubby people look wonderful in fem clothes.
You maybe should go for something more comfortable than the sexy secretary look, but (unless your suuuuper overweight) there will be something that’s suiting your figure. Just google some guides for transfeminine clothing and try some stuff. Many of us wanna wear feminine clothing while having similar issues. A love for food is not depending on the gender ;)
Btw: My personal recommendation are long black skirts from the steampunk/goth/pseudo-victorian niches. They often have enough accessories and other highlights to distract; and they don’t look all that bad if one is a bit larger
Baby-Transfem here, started HRT literally last week:
Until last friday I was suicidal, constantly depressed and full of self-hate I couldn’t understand.
Since I got my first dose estrogen my mental health drastically improved (as did some other hormone-related body functions that only need the hormones in my blood but not necessarily a prolonged exposure).
I learned from my doc that some transpersons have a brain structure of their non-assigned sex and then show exactly my pattern of relief; meaning my brain was actually born to be estrogen- instead of testosterone-dominated. (which seems to be based on the hormones oned mom exposed one during 3-4th and 10-14th week of infancy. One periods influences the gender of the brain, the other the sex of the general body)
So while I see where you are coming from, and I heavily prepare myself for all the sexism that will probably bring me back to earth as soon as I visually feminize; I can attest that HRT improved both drastically for me (for now)
(un)fortunately HRT does not remove your beard ;)
Wanna be a beautiful girl with a wonderful shiny beard?
There is a chance!
(Altho having specific physical goals in mind on HRT is more a gamble; and obviously (unfortunately, but it is what it is) a beard on a girl will often lead to weird looks and remarks.)
After denying previous cracks in my teens and twenties as just a part of me beeing weird; I will list my curent final round that lead to loosing my denial:
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Actually… playing Celeste. I don’t even remember what it was, but it somehow it brought my mind to think that I have to process something I surpressed and since then it didn’t leave my head. That’s also why my chosen Name is a homage: Madlaine
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A year later a psychologist (unrelated issue) put me on the right way to find out that I’m actually a veery high masking autistic person (CAT-Q 148…) and the negative results in my youth are wrong because my symptoms in earlier assessments don’t match the symptoms of a male autistic person but of a female autistic person. And back then (and still today…) it was in many doctors minds that autism is clearly gender-specific. This realization that I’m actually allowed to be different and don’t have to actively fit in (my parents denied the possibility of me being neurodivergent because the tests were negative) gave me the energy to rediscover myself. And the gendered test-result were forshadowing
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While already seeing myself as genderfaer (enby-fem genderfluid with only very rarely masc-parts) a few weeks later, I still was in denial. I’m autistic so enby is kinda okay. But binary-trans? Me? naah
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After a while I discovered that my gender identity can rather be described as “sometimes more, sometimes less, sometimes 0 but never anything else than femme”. At this point I already wear some feminine clothing at home and outed myself to my gf.
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< crack > GF was away for the weekend and I bought my first makeup to try to get some euphoria to get over a depressive phase. And seeing myself without that weird beardshadow and with some contouring and some accessories… wow… I discovered what was wrong all these years.
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<crack crack> I never imagined my own wedding. I just couldn’t imagine myself at my own wedding in a suit. Which is weird. I love suits. I love women in suits. My next suite will be tailored feminine, but I will still wear suits.
But one evening, I suddenly see my wedding. I’m in this fabulous mixture of a violet suit and dress. I’m a women … so that was why I could never imagine myself as husband… -
< final cracks > telling my girlfriend my name. I’m Madlaine now. She calls me her girlfriend now. I will one day become her wife <3
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If all goes well, HRT starts in December. 30 by then, but well, it’s never to late I was told.
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the is_even package does not provide much worth indeed because it simply negates is_odd and thereby all its benefit.
It’s dependency is_odd on the other hand provides at least some additional checks (it also checks if the value is a valid integer below the max int value)
And while I would indeed see uses for such methods (especially with the other checks, no simple oneliners) in some cases, especially in testing: This is stuff you write yourself, throw it in a e.g. NumberUtils class and everything is fine. You do never depend on an external library for that. The benefit (not spending a few seconds to write it) does not outweigh any of the drawbacks that come with external libraries.
I’d still be expected to listen when others speak
I love chillin’ with other ADHD’ers: most understand if you zone out and tell them that.
My colleagues also accept a “sry, that may sound a bit stupid; but my brain just cannot focus on this topic right now. I’ll come back to that later or tomorrow” (and as long as it’s occasional even a “sry, but my brain cannot do that at all. Can someone else please do this?”)
cook without burning myself or the food
I got a kitchen machine that does it for me. I can even forget my food without any chance of burning it. Worst case it’s cold.
speak without repeating myself, speak in a way that makes sense to others
Again, this is a problem I only have with neurotypicals; no problem along fellow neurodivergentd
keep appointments
Again just something that normal society expects. I have one single appointment per day I can’t miss (start-of-day-meeting). Everything else is movable most of the time. I don’t meet people at certain times, I meet them “that afternoon” and we will write each other when we’re ready
read and comprehend instructions
I know many neurotypicals that cannot do that.
transport myself from place to place without injury or forgetting necessary items…
Nothing to say against these points, actually…
What I want to say is that most of the problems you listed are based on the expectations of neueotypicaldom. All of my friends and some of my colleagues are neurodivergent (most ADHD, some ASD, some both, I’m both) and honestly: As long as I don’t have to interact with the neurotypical world I don’t run in that much problems. It’s still not perfect, but way more manageable.
That’s survivorship bias.
There was a time when humans built wineries everywhere and hoped to attract vineyards.
Nowadays, you only see those that attracted one, as all other wineries gave up centuries ago